The Thing From the Grave that Enjoyed Sweet Tea – It comes into the house

Todd stared down at the cat.  His silence showed he was not only dumb founded, but really confused.  “What kind of story is that cat?” he asked the cat.  Werewolves?   A blues guitarist?  Commitment!  Listen to me, when I started seeing your ass walk around here last week I took you for a stray.  I thought it would be cool to have a cat.  The company would be nice.  However, when you started talking to me, I knew my mind was going on vacation!  Then you wouldn’t leave me alone.”

Todd looked out the window again.  Lightning seemed to flash on que and he saw the decomposed woman again.  Her hands held up to him.

“Good God!” said Todd.  He ran his hands through his hair and quickly turned away and sat down on the couch which faced away from the window.

The cat jumped up onto the couch and began cleaning.  He then looked up at Todd.  “You are the key to this Toddy boy.”

“Huh?” replied Todd.  “What the fuck?  You you first started talking to me, you said the world is coming to an end.  The fourth world is about over.  The universe is aligning.  Now you say I am a key?    I must be dreaming!”

The cat then pounced on Todd’s left thigh and dug his front claws deep into his flesh.

“God damn!” screamed Todd as he jump up pushing the cat to the floor.

“Still think it’s a dream?” asked the cat.

The woman outside has now moved to the front door.  The door knob began to move back and forth, but the door did not open since it was locked.  A slow steady pounding then began.

“Let her in Todd”, said the cat.  “Go ahead.  It’ll be okay.  You know, a similar circumstance happened in this very house.  A young lad, such as you, let someone inside who ended up helping him find great potential inside himself.”

The pounding stopped.  The lock had given away and the door was opened.  The thing outside shuffled inside.

A message from the Queen

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Queen Elizabeth

God save the Queen

The t-shirt project – #122 (Hot Dogs)

Located in Rocky Point, NC, Paul’s Place Famous Hot Dogs has been a popular culinary institution since 1928. What makes the dogs so dog gone good is the homemade relish which you can also buy and take home. I love the old fashioned quirky charm of the place. It is a combination hot dog stand and general store. Paul’s Place is definitely a destination stuck in time and I hope that never changes.

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